A deep blue funk has enveloped me and I cannot seem to shake it. I am undescribably cranky towards one of my colleagues and he is not truly responsible for the reason that I am upset. I have almost no patience with my children, and they are just being children, but my reaction seems a little over the top - although not necessarily out of character for me. My husband is way overloaded with things in his professional life, yet still tries to take care of as much as possible at home, yet I feel that I am the one handling all of the children's logistics. So what is wrong with me? No, it is not my cycle time and I don't feel like I am in a particularly stressful time at work. So what can it be?
I know that at work I am angry because my colleague is getting all of the new programs and he is way busy. I, on the other hand am pretty free, because my last project is going into production next month, yet I have not been given anything new in what feels like forever. I realize that this is a management error, and not my poor co-worker, but it makes me so angry that I cannot seem to think rationally and all of my bitchiness comes out at him. The funny thing is, he knows that I am upset, he can tell and has chosen to stay out of my way, as much as possible, but he has no idea why I am upset. I realize I say that he is blameless, and that is true, but he is no innocent either and totally knows how I am feeling about this lack of direction, because I have told him. His response was to tell me that he is too busy to attend a trade show that we have to be present at - leaving me with the full two day responsability - which was totally the straw that broke this camels back.
Am I pissed off in the other areas of my life because work is stressing me out? I just don't know. I have been sitting in this office for the better part of the day because I know that I should be here, but I haven't found anything useful or constructive to do all day. I wish JJ would give me some busy work from his company, because then at least I could sit at my computer and do something, instead of waiting for the minutes to tick by.
So I am angry and bitchy and have no real solution for my problem. I guess that I should just shut up and get on with things.
1 comment:
I love reading your entries, Mary. You are so honest and open about your world, which doesn't seem so different than my own, emotionally. (I am certain you are much more stable than myself and have work and family under better control.) Did I talk-up my vitamins? It seems so lame to suggest something so ordinary, but under the natropath's care, I have the right ones for me.
You seem to be level-headed, even in exploring your own emotions and motivations. You're a good friend in that way. Hey I didn't get my mother-in-law anything, not even a card. I have to get over my gift anxiety. I just can't "buy" without knowing that it will be the right gift.
We'll get through this life wonderfully. These are the rough years. Life is fragile and short and we should enjoy what we have when we can. Do you listen to the same music that your s listen to? It seems I'm always listening to and singing teeny-bop tunes. I pretend I'm not really 40.
I love you - Keep writing
Melissa
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