Ok, well I have given into my stress. I blew up at the kids last night, who all looked at me like this was no big deal, which ofcourse, caused me to lose it even more. So we spent from 5 to 7 just feeling lousy. Helene packed her bag and said good-bye because she was intent on running away. I told her to knock it off because the last thing we needed was for her to spend a cold, wet night outdoors. The police would find out and I would be arrested. This is not an option, she was ordered to unpack, put things away and get real.
We did manage to go swimming last night, despite this turmoil. Helene chose to stay behind and dramatize her troubles to her friend on the phone. Ofcourse, while we were swimming, the her special ed coordinator called at 8:30, only to be told that we were all out of the house. She, all alone in the house, took the message, then called my cell phone. So we all went to bed. I feeling really lousy. I don't know about the kids. They were playing cards and then went upstairs together. They didn't seem to be too bothered by my outburst.
This morning, it was like a bad re-run of last night. Charlotte helped me shovel the driveway and then she went to school. All was well there. Helene had taken a shower and was ready to go by the time I got back inside from shoveling and Luke had finished his shower (although still wet, in a towel, lounging in the bathroom). OK, we were still pretty on schedule, with 40 minutes to go. I hopped in the shower and when I got out told Luke to finish getting dressed and get downstairs and make sure his backpack and lunch were ready. Twenty minutes later, they were still not in their coats. I just exploded again. I want to run away.
OK, so I dropped them off at school and cried myself to work. Why does this happen? Where is my calgon moment? I am sooooo ashamed that I lost my cool. I am not ashamed that I let them know that they were not behaving in an appropriate way. They CANNOT continue to do this, ignore me until I use my Sybil voice. I am going to have a heart attack right in front of them!
Well I am done venting. A lot of good that did me. I still don't have a solution. I would love to not think about any of the consequences, become someone I am not, strut into a bar and have a few drinks while I meet up with a stranger. I would have no homework to check, no laundry to do, no calories to count, no kitchen to clean, or dinnner to serve. I would even have perfect hair and be dressed to kill. I would have had the time to go to Victoria Secrets and by that wonderbra I have been dreaming about. I would walk into that bar looking hot and graceful in three inch heels. But none of that is me, even if I fantasize about it. Even in my fantasies, I want to be able to solve all the problems and make my children happy, responsible and aware people (although I wouldn't mind turning a few heads while I do that).
And so it goes...
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