Long time, no see

OK, I am at a crossroads and I am reticent and nervous. Not having a paying job, not working outside the house, I am worried about not contributing to the budget that allows this house to run, and I am feeling guilty about using part of that budget to run said household.

So I go back and forth on whether I should join the working public or stay and support my family from the homefront. I know that if I go back to work, this will make things difficult for my husband and for the kids. I also know that I would be giving a new sense of balance to this house. Why in the world do woman have all of this guilt around instead of just thinking about what is the best balance for us and our family?

Now there has been a new twist to the plan. My husband has asked me to help him. He has a sales person that is struggling. He feels that I could help this person out by shadowing them and giving them some live feedback and advice on how to maximize their salestime and contact. My husband is confident that not only would this be helpful, but that I would actually be good and enjoy this type of work. I am scared to death.

I am not comfortable being in a professional environment with his, as his subordinate. I am not comfortable with being visible in his company and being made to put the proof in the actions and what if I fail. How are we going to balance our marriage? The partnership of the marriage, where I am already feeling like a second class partner because I am no longer contributing financially to this partnership, is now being even more tested as we are looking at putting me in a subordinate position in the work environment.

This is scaring me to death.

On the other hand, the kids are back at school and seem to be in a groove and ready to keep on track. I have all day to do what I want because there is no one to get in my way and I haven't used this time extremely well, I am kind of floating in this free time. So why, for goodness sakes, am I unsure of going to bat for my husband and his company. I have the time and I do have business acumen. I am an intelligent woman and I have a lot to contribute, so why in the world wouldn't I jump at the chance at getting back into the fold? Maybe my reticence has more to do with coming on as an official member, or even as an official consultant? Should we not just keep it loose and use the 'consultant' title in the background and simply have that between him and I - as the financial pay-off would be, between us.

I want to meditate on all of this but there seems to be a lot of noise - house noise, doubt noise and other - getting in my way. Keeping this blog up would be helpful for me. I am missing having an outlet for my rants and raves, fears and fun. Maybe taking this back up will be the solution that I need, taking a little pressure off of the relationship I have with my husband and allowing us to concentrate on our marriage and family, rather than have him deal with the business things during the day and my insecurities over the business in the evening. What a wonderful perspective for him - I remain unclear whether this will be a helpful solution for him, or way more frustrating. Can you imagine him having to tell me that I really am not making the siutation any better and I need to stop 'helping' them out?

So we'll just look foward to this next chapter unfolding.